Lavender Fields

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“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.”  – Rumi

Naturewe lay in this field of lavender and silently stirred our desires. his kisses taste like the sweet smell. nature aroused us. electric fingers touched the surfaces of my femininity. the confidence of his manhood carved out reasons for me to give in, but it was honesty that made me release. he didn’t promise me anything. he made no attempts to win me over. he made no excuses for his past. he loved even those, who he had lost. his mind was mature, aged like sweet wine. his left brain co-mingled with my right brain. he impregnated me with his wisdom. smothered in purple, i was drunk, in the silence of the lavender field.   -by Shila Iris

“Stop acting so small. You are the universe in ecstatic motion.”  – Rumi

Loving the way I feel. Queen OSiRis, I am RiSinG.

Spinning Baduizm today. “This world is so dramatic.” 

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DAY 7 – KWANZAA 365: Knowing my Condition is the Reason I Must Change!

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‘Father, free me from this bondage
Knowin’ my condition is the reason I must change

I just accepted what you said, keepin’ me among the dead
The only way to know is to walk, then learn and grow
But FAITH is not your speed
Oh, you’ve had everyone believe

That you’re the sole authority
Just follow the majority
Afraid to face reality
The system is a joke

Oh, you’d be smart to save your soul
Oh, and escape this mind control
You spent your life in sacrifice
To a system for the dead

Oh, are you sure?
Where is the passion in this living?
Are you sure, it’s God you servin’?
Obligated to a system, getting less than you’re deserving

Who made up these schools, I say?
Who made up these rules, I say?
Animal conditioning
Oh, just to keep us as a slave        -Lauryn Hill

WE should want to celebrate and uplift Kwanzaa.

WHAT IS KWANZAA? ⇒ A holiday that celebrates Black people and Black culture. It highlights and describes OUR journey in the western hemisphere and our connection to the continent of Africa; and makes projections about what we can do to get back on track. I think it benefits children most because it teaches them about themselves. It’s important to grow up rooted in YOURself. In the spirit of IMANI:

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My gift to you today is: Lauryn Hill’s MTV Unplugged. With this CD, I hope you can find faith in yourself. My favorite song is: I GET OUT. It reminds me of what I left behind in 2014. I woke up many nights, feeling like I was suffocating. I knew that I needed to change my situation. If I stayed, I’d be victimized and used. America teaches me everyday, that I have to get out! I had to remember who I was. I soon learned to HAVE FAITH IN mySELF! I am perfectly imperfect, and I love it! Click here to listen the entire album. Every lyric in I GET OUT is relevant, so I strongly suggest you listen carefully. It applys to personal life as well.

‘I just don’t sympathize no more

‘Cuz now I understand, you just wanna use me
You say love, then abuse me
You never thought you’d loose me
But how quickly we forget that nothin’ is for certain

You thought I’d stay here hurtin’
Your guilt trip’s just not workin’
Repressin’ me to death ‘cuz now I’m choosin’ life, yo
I take the sacrifice, yo, if everything must go, then go
That’s how I choose to live’

LH

In this album, Lauryn is uplifting the principles of Kwanzaa. It is simply about CONNECTING PEOPLE TO THEIR BLACKNESS. We need to be connected to ourselves. As long as we pretend that we do not, we are doomed.

There are many people who are confused about Kwanzaa, including those who practice it. I am not saying this in attempt to draw any emotion from anyone or disregard anyone’s frame of thinking. I am saying it because I really hope that in the future, or right here in the PRESENT, we can all begin to go to the SOURCE for our information. That is what my blog is about. I have grown tired of getting second hand accounts of history, of experiences, of anything! Too often do we try to attack things that we grasp no true understanding of. Do you really get what Kwanzaa is about? A simple internet search will not guarantee you knowledge of KWANZAA. Try reading about it. Try visiting Maulauna Karenga, the Creator of Kwanzaa! He is still alive and practices it every year. I am sure experiencing Kwanzaa with him will change your life! I will be meeting Maulana Karenga soon, and I plan on having a wonderful conversation with him. I am excited.

MK

STOP AND THINK. I see people attacking and misrepresenting Kwanzaa. I wanted to know why. So I began to study it because I didn’t want to be one of those people. My nieces and nephews ask me about it all the time, and I decided that I really want to be able to teach them about it in a holistic fashion, so I read Karenga’s books. It is an AWESOME and AMAZING celebration, created by an AWESOME and AMAZING intellectual. It’s definitely not something to be attacked. It’s something that we should build on. Can we just agree to stop looking OUTSIDE of ourselves for answers? WE are the ANSWER. A lot of the confusion around the holiday, can be resolved or discussed by subscribing to Karenga’s newsletter, reading his books, or traveling to see him speak. It is worth it. Why live in confusion, when the firsthand information is right here, right now?

‘No more compromises, I see past your diguises
Blindin’ me through mind control, stealin’ my eternal soul
Appealin’ through material to keep me as your slave’

Read more: Lauryn Hill – I Get Out Lyrics | MetroLyrics


In 2014, after losing great Black Intellectuals like Amiri Baraka and Maya Angelou, I have began to feel the urgency in the NOW! I decided that I would meet Maulana Karenga because it is important for me to get a firsthand experience of him. He has created something that has lasted for 48 years. How can we ignore his brilliance?

I want to know who I am, right now today! Not tomorrow, not after I fall in love, not next week, I want to know NOW! I feel like it is most important to know who I AM, and to have FAITH in me. Without a true understanding of myself, which KWANZAA promotes, I have no real future.


For as long as I can remember, I have known what Kwanzaa was, but I hadn’t received an opportunity to delve into what it really meant. For the past two years, I celebrated Kwanzaa with a group of people who I had an artistic connection to, and I enjoyed many parts of our “kindred” celebration. Being with them opened up the door to my fascination with the concept of Kwanzaa. Still, there was a void.

This was the 3rd year that I observed Kwanzaa. Instead of performing the ceremonial part of it, I made a decision to focus my thoughts on truly learning what it was about. Last year, I met a person who had received great mentorship from Maulana Karenga. I thought, “what are the odds of me meeting someone that had been in such close proximity to the man who created KWANZAA?” Then I met two more people who also had studied with Karenga! I knew this was for a reason! I knew that I needed the knowledge that they came to give. In these people, I felt something that I hadn’t felt in a long time- a sense of confidence and truth, that was unchallenged. Some of our conversations were brief, but when they spoke, I saw God. I saw truth, I saw power. I listened. They were feeding me. It wasn’t me being controlled or manipulated by their words. It wasn’t me being naive or confused. It was more like, a “God” thing. They spoke highly of their experiences with Karenga, and they practiced power over no one but themselves. They made me want power over myself. After speaking with them, I wanted nothing other than to KNOW ME! I want to know myself! NO ONE can control me. How dope is that?

I feel like we are at such a disadvantage when we are Black, and do not grasp an understanding of those that came before us. Why now is Stokely Carmichael, Kwame Ture? Leroi Jones, Amiri Baraka? Malcolm Little, Malcolm X or El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz? They grew to possess a knowledge of themselves, and could no longer hold onto their old selves. It would be disrespectful even, to refer to them by the names that they shed.

When you find out who you are, you’ll understand what Kwanzaa is about. 90 percent of our battle remains to be intellectual- what we do not KNOW kills us. You cannot play the game until you have done the work. READ what they wrote. If they are alive, experience them. When you know what these Black intellects did, you’ll be less bound to repeat mistakes, you’ll be less likely to allow yourself to be distracted. So, no, I don’t want to hang out anymore. I do not wish to drink, party, or cater to anyone’s emotions, I just want to read, and learn about my people. I just need a little time to UP my game. I have great things to do! I can feel it.

Peace and love, KWANZAA 365. 9:00 P.M. 1/1/15

Modeling for Blow Magazine

P.S. My blog is my celebration of my Blackness, of my self. Although the greatest parts of my life are not published here, I try to share some elements of my TRUTH. I share so that you can grow with me. I love you. PLEASE read my other posts if you can. You don’t have to like them or do anything really. Just read them and if you have information that you feel would make me better, let me know! GROW WITH me.

DAY 1 – KWANZAA AFTER DARK: Surah 31:18 IMANI

DAY 2 – KWANZAA AT SUNSET: Alláh-u-Abhá الله أبهى KUJICHAGULIA

DAY 3 – KWANZAA AFTER DARK: THE real Work starts at Home UJIMA

DAY 4 – KWANZAA AFTER DARK: #DontTakEitPERSONAL UJAMAA

DAY 5 – KWANZAA AFTER DARK: Baduizm NIA

DAY 6 – KWANZAA AFTER DARK: On the 6th Day of Kwanzaa, My True Love Gave to Me… KUUMBA

Day 5 – KWANZAA AFTER DARK: Baduizm

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“Peace and blessings manifest with
every lesson learned
If your knowledge were your wealth then
it would be well earned”   -Erykah Badu

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Today’s Kwanzaa theme is NIA otherwise known as Purpose. When I think of purpose, I think of my Identity, of our identity, and the restoration of the traditional greatness in the Black/Brown family. Our greatness has been repressed because we have been oppressed, but I can feel the blood of my ancestors running through my veins. It feels amazing. I know that I am wonderful, and I know that it means something to have this history inside of me.

Today, my NIA gift to you is Baduizm, an album that helped me to realize my Greatness. FrontBack

It’s been seventeen years since Erykah Badu released Baduizm. I was 13 at the time, and I remember being mesmerized by her music. I saw the video for On and On and was hooked! Good for me, my mom was into Badu, so she purchased the tape and played it frequently. I was right there by her side, listening to every lyric.

“I can’t believe
That we’re still livin’
Oh, in this crazy, crazy world
That I’m still livin’

With all the problems of the day
How can we go on? Hey
So tired of hearin’ people say
“How can we go on?”

Fantasy people
Make believe people
How can you go on? Yeah
But you’re still livin’ ” – from the song “Drama”

Erykah’s energy seemed to awaken something inside of me. At the time, I couldn’t identify what it was, but it seemed more spiritual than anything. To this day, she is still intoxicating and her lyrics touch my soul. I don’t exactly feel like I am a fan of hers, I feel more of a ethereal kinship to her. I feel the wealth of her knowledge reflected through her music.

As a gift, please enjoy the messages behind the music. Let the baselines take you into the lands and into the hearts of your ancestors. If you can, check out this book on Badu:

1EBEB1

Sometimes we get knocked off course. We get lost in love, sick, distracted by technology, confused, hurt, but we have to remember that we are GREAT. We are more than whatever they told us we are! We should look to ourselves to find our history. KNOWing yourself is fulfilling your purpose. 

Peace and love,

Queen Shi-La on the throne…

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8:30 p.m. 12/30/14

DAY 4 – KWANZAA AFTER DARK: #DontTakEitPERSONAL

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#DontTakEitPERSONAL  #butINeedtoWork   #toThrive  #iCANTreallySEEyouRightNow

Having had experiences with family, friends, and associates who have run successful businesses as freelancing consultants, personal trainers, artists, designers, accountants, teachers, and writers- rather it be part or full time, I realized that they could always use my support. Everyone needs a support system to either help or just be there when they need you. Over the years I am proud to say that I have shown people so much support in their endeavors. My biggest offering has always been my time. Nevertheless, I have spent a lot of money making sure people were financially secure.

I have purchased items such as handmade jewelry, girl scout cookies, body oils; I have taken classes and fundraised for people. I have helped friends plan events for work and sometimes I even showed up with lunch when I knew that someone couldn’t stop working to grab a bite to eat. More recently, I have learned that support sometimes means giving someone space and time, so that they can manage their work. This is probably one of the biggest things you can do for a person, leave them alone, so that they can WORK!

So in the spirit of #CooperativeEconomics otherwise known as #Ujamaa

KeepCalm

As the year comes to an end, I realize just how important it is to be able to set a goal and see it through. It takes hard work and determination. It also takes being on a strict schedule, sometimes meaning days of confinement and solitude- not even a phone call! Now is the time that many people set goals, and I am one of those people. Never before have I been able to see my goals through, but with the right support system, it is most definitely possible. You have to make sacrifices to achieve because it remains to be true that things worth having require work! I am working, and sometimes I need space. I have made a lot of sacrifices to get where I am- to a place where I can set goals, and stay on top of them. I have given up some things like going out, socializing, etcetera, but its what I had to do, to save time and money because I am going to need it for my future plans!

#setgoalsANDseeTHEMthrough

So in light of this, if your friends cease being available to sit around and socialize, try to comprehend why, rather then write them off as a horribly selfish person. Show your support by giving them the time they need to work.

#shesNOTselfish #sheWANTSaFUTURE #datingCanBEoverrated  #hardWorkLeadstoPlay #IwantToPlayOverseas #giveHIMspace

Peace and love,

Shila_Bobby Williams photo

Queen OSiRis

p.S. If you need the support, I can do what I can when I have the time. I will either say yes, or no. #DontTakEitPERSONAL. Peace. –  8:00 p.m. 12/29/14

A book that I will continue to suggest:

TWO THOUSAND SEASONS by Ayi Kwei Armah #LifeChangingBooks

Day 3 – KWANZAA AFTER DARK: THE real Work starts at Home

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“Nothing can satisfy me like a hug or a kiss from my mother, my sister, my brother, or my father.”  -Shila Iris

Ujima principle teaches each family member to recognize that their own well-being is derived from their family and community. Our lives are bound together.

I have learned that taking care of your family and fostering good and honest relationships with true friends, is one of the most revolutionary things you can do in this life. It takes hard work and lots of lovin.’ It takes humility to be there for your family, and it takes discipline and respect, not to cross lines with your friends. Before this year, I honestly had no idea what a real community felt like.

My community is my family, my community is my friends. When we are all strong, then we can change the world. I want to feed them first.

Last night, I was talking to my best friend and all of a sudden, I was crying. I got off of the phone with him and lay in bed wondering, how will I survive this? The past few months of my life haven’t been easy. These are some extremely trying times. Great change takes work! Those who saw me through this, empowered me by doing real things like providing any type of support I needed, rather it be financial or just a listening ear; they’ve cooked healthy meals for me and smiled with me and basked in my glory. I have learned so much.

I lay in bed and after a few minutes, my friend called back and he said these very sweet words to me:

“You don’t have to do this alone. You never do. I will be here. I know how it feels. I will come and sit with you if you’d like. You should know that I love you and that is what I am here for. I can help.”

That is Collective Work & Responsibility. The real work starts at home.

Peace and love,

Shila Iris 

Queen Shila Iris 8:30 p.m. 12/28/14

Day 2 – KWANZAA AT SUNSET: Alláh-u-Abhá الله أبهى

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“Every time you suppress some part of yourself or allow others to play you small, you are in essence ignoring the owner’s manual your Creator gave you and destroying your design.”             – Oprah Winfrey

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Last night, I accidentally reset my phone to its factory settings. At first, I started pushing lots of buttons trying to prevent the phone from erasing the past few months of my life! I was frantic! Then, I stopped and just smiled. I said, “wow Universe, you are a trip!” The previous day, I had realized that my phone was reaching its capacity for storage space. So, I had planned to back it up on my computer, but failed to do so. I guess the phone said, “no need, I’ll clear myself out!”

I was holding on to phone numbers of people who I no longer speak to, text messages, pictures, social media riffraff– all things that I just didn’t need anymore. Moving this stuff from my phone to my computer would not have done any good. It needed to be erased.

For a moment I was sad because I had lost contacts, beautiful and poetic text messages, pictures of my family, notes, documents. I had to stop and think, reflect. I realized that what I was losing wasn’t nearly as important as the new things that I am creating! The people who I need to talk to will call. The Universe told me so. The messages that I need to remember are already in my heart and indelibly printed in my mind.

♥ ♥ So my DAY 2 gift to you, is a challenge because what is life without a challenge? ♥

RESET YOUR LIFE TO ITS FACTORY SETTINGS. Stop holding on to “stuff.” Sometimes it is wise to treat your stuff like a house that caught fire- it’s gone, you can’t turn back the hands of time. It happened just as it should have. Where’s your faith?

The Kujichagulia principle says African Americans, like all people, need shared cultural values, symbols, rituals, and practices in order to give their families and children meaning and value, identity and community.

To find these rituals, if you so wish to repeat those of your ancestors, you have to dig into the stacks, and find your history. Your history says that you are GOD. Find out what Khem is, and study hieroglyphs, such as the ankh. These things are more than symbols to wear as pieces of jewelry, they represent a lifestyle, practices that are very beneficial to the spirit. Very few people embrace what these symbols mean, but you can. Find your GOD.


As I enter into another year, I won’t hold on to the junk mail. The baggage has to go! Each person that I encounter, each experience, is fresh. I don’t want to anchor myself in the past, nor anticipate the future to the point that I am constantly worried about things (such as social constructs). So, I would like to thank the Most High, for resetting my phone to its factory settings because I was not bold enough to do it myself. I would’ve picked through and tried to save, but what was lost, needed to be gone.

So I woke up this morning, and the first person who sends me a text message is Jala Rani. I recently got to spend some time with this beautiful sister, and it is something about her that is magnificent. The way she moves, her warmth, her touch is that of a kindred spirit. To sit and talk to her felt like I was talking to myself. She’s very young and vibrant, but in that moment, she felt like an ancestor- with wisdom, respect, and charm. She was judgment free! She spoke to me about the pain she’s experienced in life, nature, diet, thrifting- we jumped around, but it was all beautiful!

The message that she sent to me this morning was about Kujichagulia, otherwise known as SELF-DETERMINATION. She asked some very important questions, and they…

____________________________________________________   inspired me to write…

I lift you up, just the way you are    There is nothing about you that I would change    Not a flaw, not a thing    The Universe sent you to me, in this format    I place no judgment    I thank your mother for delivering you to the world    I thank your father for planting the seed     I thank everyone who has encountered you    for they have watered you and made you fit for this moment   what you are today,    is my kinG, my Queen    when YOU turned and smiled at me,    I saw what is called,    HEAVEN     I saw honesty     You are everything     That you are supposed to be     So don’t worry about their standards     Don’t worry about what they say     Don’t worry about anything outside of you because you are the HIGHest     and each day, I pray, that you get higher and higher     I see you stand alone, fearlessly,     not seeking validation.      I see you loving yourself     I see you sleeping alone, coveting your own bed    I see you, unafraid and unmoved by their interpretations of the truth     I see GOD in you     i see you push reset    uplifting yourself,    just the way god made you     hold on to those memories that bring forth light    we collect a lot throughout our journeys,      but today,        hold on to you.      Hug yourself,      think of nothing but what gOD gave you,

and that gift is You.

“Now, I know, that you don’t know me at all

But if you know yourself
Well, then you know me very well”             -Indie Arie

IndiaArie5


When I speak of Alláh-u-Abhá, I am referencing the oneness of GOD and the spiritual Unity of humankind. You must be able to see the GOD inside of YOU. Take your focus off of everyone else, and see ONLY YOU. Turn the mirror around and let it face YOU. What you see, must be GOD. Alláh-u-Abhá, translates to, “God is Most Glorious.” It’s an Arabic greeting that is repeated 95 times a day. So instead of checking your Facebook, or your Instagram 15 times a day, try chanting, Alláh-u-Abhá. You are great! I just thought I should tell you that.


LASTLY, I don’t encourage people to necessarily throw things away, especially people, we are NOT disposable. However, if you care about someone or something, throw away those painful feelings that make you hate them. Most importantly, throw away the painful feelings that make you hate yourself.  If when you think of anyone or anything, and you become enraged, it is time to examine yourself. Typically, people don’t just do things to intentionally hurt, and when they do, you’ll know that for sure. But people do things, when they feel threatened, when they feel like they aren’t being taken serious. If someone hurt you, try to understand why. Don’t be so selfish as to think, it was all about you. Remember that things happen for a reason. Buttttttttttttttt…

let your shit, your baggage burn in the fire. Earlier this year, I got to attend a ceremony with a group of teachers who wrote things on slips of paper- negative things that they were holding on to in regards to their careers and what goes on in the classroom. They threw these slips of paper in the fire. I know that change isn’t as simple as throwing a slip of paper into the fire, but the symbolism was to say, let it go. Remember the love. You know you want it! Stop being angry and stop acting like you are a victim, as if you’ve done nothing wrong. Balance your life out with the TRUTH.

So in the end, I say, find your GOD and if that God is you, may peace be with you.

“Let us, in shaping our own Destiny set before us the qualities of human JUSTICE, LOVE, CHARITY, MERCY AND EQUITY. Upon such foundation let us build a race.  I feel that the God who is Divine, the Almighty Creator of the world, shall forever bless this race of ours, and who to tell that we shall not teach men the way to life, liberty and true human happiness? ”                       -Marcus Garvey

I love you. Thank you for reading.

Queen OSiRis of the Kingdom of Kush 5:00 p.m. 12/27/14

Crux Ansata

She’s so beautiful… and she reads

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Today, accessorize with a good book! 10 REASONS WOMEN SHOULD READ…

REASON #1 Reading helps us to process our thoughts better. Women who read tend not to assume things. They simply know.

REASON #2 Reading helps us to evolve in a positive direction. It can teach you how to embrace and uplift yourself.

REASON #3 The experiences of others, written about in good books, can be very powerful life lessons that may help you to avoid a lot of pain.

REASON #4 Reading the right things can help you to gain the necessary confidence you need to eliminate bad habits like: neglecting your own feelings to cater to those of another, passive aggressive behavior, and depression. Move forward in a good book!

REASON #5 Readers have more intriguing conversations.

REASON #6 Reading can help you to identify and recognize game when you hear it! Women who read tend to be less naive.

REASON #7 Reading is a great way to relieve stress. It brings a certain level of tranquility into your day. You can travel to a different world, or learn more about the one that you are in. It is stimulating.

REASON #8 When you read, your vocabulary will grow. The way you communicate will be more powerful.

REASON #9 Reading helps you to focus better. It can also strengthen your memory. No more selectiveness!

REASON #10 Reading is empowering.

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… be sure to read my article on shila iris: BOOK BOYFRIENDS

Check me out on Goodreads:

Thank you for stopping by!

-Shila Iris

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I am your Soul Sista…

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Sometimes in life, we cannot offer people a commitment, but we can offer them one hell of an experience! All experiences are relevant. We need them to balance us out for what is to come. So don’t be afraid to love. Love right. Not at the risk of hurting someone, but purely, and bravely. I am your soul sista. Let’s have a good time.

I love Bilal in this. The way he touches her at @0:35 & @2:07 is incredible. The movement throughout is lovely especially @3:25. Brings back memories, Bilal! I see you QuestLove!

On an ARTISTIC level this song hit so many hi-hats in my spirit. It’s very poetic.

and 5 more for the road…

EXPERIENCE 1: I just got out of a situation, and I’m not trying to get into anything serious, but we can chill. Know what I mean? 

EXPERIENCE 2: There ain’t no denying the strength of this attraction. 

EXPERIENCE 3: It feels so right, it can’t be wrong.

EXPERIENCE 4: How can I want you for myself, when I’m already someone’s girl? 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_ZhycNmlAo

EXPERIENCE 5: Money flying everywhere! Every person deserves an experience where there is no penny-pinching. “Spend my money, baby!” Have fun! 

Be accountable for all your experiences. Pass no judgement because we all enjoy the excitement of being with someone who understands our needs. Like instruments, sometimes we get out of tune, and we have to find the right tuner. Even if it’s for the moment, we have to be open to the sound of the person whom the Universe sends to show us our reflection. When you look into that person’s eyes, that mirror, you better be ready to face reality because you will see the good, but you most definitely see the bad. All of what you see in that person, is you. We are human beings, we are soundboards for one another. We attract people who are weak like us and strong like us. Find the next person that will tune you. Get your sound right and come back around.

I’m not endorsing this behavior, but it is kind of sexy, right? -John Legend

P.S. Remember to tell the truth about your choices. Don’t cover up a good experience with lies because you are embarrassed or afraid of what people might think. You have to know that we reap what we sow. Karma is that balance we need to wake up. Be private and use discretion, and most importantly be honest with the person with whom you are having the experience with. There is no need to fake or rush anything. Rushed behavior only leads to more hurt and confusion. Take your time and allow things to blossom or allow yourself to live in the moment because time doesn’t wait for any of us. Live the life you desire. Kiss a girl who makes your blood boil. Kiss a man who makes you scream.

From my heart to yours, the lessons I’ve learned. Peace & love.

-Shila Iris

in pinterest

I Love You Too Daddy

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“When you become a parent, your needs no longer are the priority.”

My father looked into my 30 year old eyes. He knew that I had been going through some things. He stared. He couldn’t look away. I could tell that he wanted to save me. I didn’t have to tell him the details because he already knew. He could feel my pain. He hugged me and told his favorite story of me from my childhood. He said, “you don’t know how much I love you. My baby girl! I can’t believe that you are a grown woman.” I gave him a soft smile, in hopes of disguising my pain. I said nothing. My intent was to forgive. I love you too daddy.

This post is to commend the fathers who make their children the #1 priority in their lives.

Up until the age of 8, I saw my father mostly everyday. Then I lost him to the world. He abused drugs, he abused women, and he abused himself. I became afraid of him. He chose these things over me. He chose women over me. He chose the streets over me. He did this for years and no one talked about it. The anger festered. By the age of 15, I was completely and utterly disgusted by him. He was no longer mine. I had to become a woman without him. I no longer wanted him around. The rotten life he’d chosen stunk. I could smell him coming miles away. I ran from him. I couldn’t stand his presence.  It wasn’t so much that I blamed him for anything, it was just, I’d seen him using drugs and it destroyed my image of him. I didn’t know what to say.

I moved away with no send off from my father. I discovered other men. I indulged. I then began to miss him, but I ignored him. He’s always been a loving man. Even through his chaos, he tried to be a part of my life. My heart was ice cold. I could feel him pulling on the strings of my heart. He felt heavy. It took years, but I finally let go of the anger! It wasn’t him that was heavy, he was only a man. Men aren’t perfect. It was me. It was the anger that I was holding onto that was heavy. I had to learn how to shed the burden of judgment. I had to accept his struggle. I have.

Life feels so much better this way. It hasn’t been easy letting go of the anger, but I have and my father has become my friend. He is my protection. He decided that he wanted to be there for me, to stand up for me and he has. The past seems so far away. Thank you daddy for holding my hand.

This post is to commend the fathers who make their children the #1 priority in their lives. In finding my true self, I discovered that the time in which my father was absent most certainly affected my life. It made me weaker in areas where I should have been strong. It made me susceptible to bullshit. It made me think that it was OK to be a rebound. I wanted that male presence. So I compromised. I allowed myself to be treated like a bad habit. I wasn’t the woman that I needed to be. Now, I get to be that. I get to be stronger. I get to blossom into my Queendom. I have forgiven my father, but most importantly, I have forgiven myself. I can finally move forward with LOVE.

I know that it certainly isn’t easy having children. It takes time, commitment, and patience. No child asks to be born. When you become a parent, your needs no longer are the priority. The needs of the child are most important. In the current state of our society, relationships end and children sway in the wind like leaves. Parents pay their child support and see their children sparingly. Don’t let that be your reality. Give your attention and time to your children. Treat them like fixtures in your life. Set your own emotions aside and spend time daily with them. It will pay off. Peace and love to you daddy.

You are my King.

Shila Iris for AfriKan Essence, Thursday, October 16, 2014, 8:56 a.m.

“Affirmation: Today, I will not dwell on the past or the future. I have no need for either, when I step fully into the present. I will no longer hold onto pain until it becomes anger. I will no longer hold onto to pleasure before it becomes an addiction. I will not anticipate pain or pleasure in the future to relieve anxiety. The present is the home of my being. Past and future are only the dreams of whom I was or what I might become. Today, I will release the past and its burden of wounded dreams.  

Style Ideas for Queens – Transitioning from 80 Degree to 60 Degree Weather

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It is September 11 in Cleveland, Ohio. That means it could snow any minute! Joking, but it was one of those days that reminded us that Autumn is a few weeks away. Yesterday, the weather was in the 80s. Last night there was a very soothing storm, and when we woke up, it was 63 degrees! It is cool… cool as in cold! I wasn’t quite ready to give up my sandals, so I wore some today. However, that may not be the case tomorrow! I am thinking, boots or sneakers for sure.

The sandals are one of my favorite pairs by Lucky Brand. They were about $25 at TJMaxx.

With style, you must possess the knowledge, right? Reading anything lately? I had a dream last night about my future, and when I woke up, I asked for a sign. A sign that I was doing the right thing in life. That detaching from people who hurt me was the thing to do. Then today, a friend of mine called and suggested that I read this book, so I rushed to the library and got it. It is just what I needed. It is an amazing story. I can’t put it down. I introduce to you:  Wounded in the House of a Friend by Sonia Sanchez…

wounded

It starts like this…

the unspoken word is born, i see it in our eyes dancing.

She hadn’t found anything. i had been careful. No lipstick, No matches from a well-known bar. No letters. Cards. Confessing an undying love. Nothing tangible for her to hold onto. But i knew she knew. It had been on her face, in her eyes for the last nine days. It was the way she looked at me sideways from across the restaurant table as she picked at her brown rice sushi. It was the way she paused in profile while inspecting my wolfdreams. It was the way her mouth took a detour from talk. And then as we exited the restaurant she said it casually: i know there is another woman. You must tell me about her when we get home.

Yeah. There was another woman. In fact there were three women. In Florida, California, and North Carolina. Places to replace her cool detachment of these last years. No sex for months. Always tired or sick or off to some conference designed to save the world from racism or extinction. If i had jerked off one more time in bed while lying next to her it woulda dropped off. Still i wondered how she knew.

… I love Sonia Sanchez’s writing and I am glad that I got to see her in November of last year. She was cool as can be. She had style, she had grace. I made eye contact with her, and she smiled at me. Just for a moment. I spoke to her. She spoke to me. I walked away.

Queen

P.S. One more thing, a song for you…

This my baby. I want to be great as you. Analog girl in a digital world.