I Love You Too Daddy

“When you become a parent, your needs no longer are the priority.”

My father looked into my 30 year old eyes. He knew that I had been going through some things. He stared. He couldn’t look away. I could tell that he wanted to save me. I didn’t have to tell him the details because he already knew. He could feel my pain. He hugged me and told his favorite story of me from my childhood. He said, “you don’t know how much I love you. My baby girl! I can’t believe that you are a grown woman.” I gave him a soft smile, in hopes of disguising my pain. I said nothing. My intent was to forgive. I love you too daddy.

This post is to commend the fathers who make their children the #1 priority in their lives.

Up until the age of 8, I saw my father mostly everyday. Then I lost him to the world. He abused drugs, he abused women, and he abused himself. I became afraid of him. He chose these things over me. He chose women over me. He chose the streets over me. He did this for years and no one talked about it. The anger festered. By the age of 15, I was completely and utterly disgusted by him. He was no longer mine. I had to become a woman without him. I no longer wanted him around. The rotten life he’d chosen stunk. I could smell him coming miles away. I ran from him. I couldn’t stand his presence.  It wasn’t so much that I blamed him for anything, it was just, I’d seen him using drugs and it destroyed my image of him. I didn’t know what to say.

I moved away with no send off from my father. I discovered other men. I indulged. I then began to miss him, but I ignored him. He’s always been a loving man. Even through his chaos, he tried to be a part of my life. My heart was ice cold. I could feel him pulling on the strings of my heart. He felt heavy. It took years, but I finally let go of the anger! It wasn’t him that was heavy, he was only a man. Men aren’t perfect. It was me. It was the anger that I was holding onto that was heavy. I had to learn how to shed the burden of judgment. I had to accept his struggle. I have.

Life feels so much better this way. It hasn’t been easy letting go of the anger, but I have and my father has become my friend. He is my protection. He decided that he wanted to be there for me, to stand up for me and he has. The past seems so far away. Thank you daddy for holding my hand.

This post is to commend the fathers who make their children the #1 priority in their lives. In finding my true self, I discovered that the time in which my father was absent most certainly affected my life. It made me weaker in areas where I should have been strong. It made me susceptible to bullshit. It made me think that it was OK to be a rebound. I wanted that male presence. So I compromised. I allowed myself to be treated like a bad habit. I wasn’t the woman that I needed to be. Now, I get to be that. I get to be stronger. I get to blossom into my Queendom. I have forgiven my father, but most importantly, I have forgiven myself. I can finally move forward with LOVE.

I know that it certainly isn’t easy having children. It takes time, commitment, and patience. No child asks to be born. When you become a parent, your needs no longer are the priority. The needs of the child are most important. In the current state of our society, relationships end and children sway in the wind like leaves. Parents pay their child support and see their children sparingly. Don’t let that be your reality. Give your attention and time to your children. Treat them like fixtures in your life. Set your own emotions aside and spend time daily with them. It will pay off. Peace and love to you daddy.

You are my King.

Shila Iris for AfriKan Essence, Thursday, October 16, 2014, 8:56 a.m.

“Affirmation: Today, I will not dwell on the past or the future. I have no need for either, when I step fully into the present. I will no longer hold onto pain until it becomes anger. I will no longer hold onto to pleasure before it becomes an addiction. I will not anticipate pain or pleasure in the future to relieve anxiety. The present is the home of my being. Past and future are only the dreams of whom I was or what I might become. Today, I will release the past and its burden of wounded dreams.