I Love You Too Daddy

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“When you become a parent, your needs no longer are the priority.”

My father looked into my 30 year old eyes. He knew that I had been going through some things. He stared. He couldn’t look away. I could tell that he wanted to save me. I didn’t have to tell him the details because he already knew. He could feel my pain. He hugged me and told his favorite story of me from my childhood. He said, “you don’t know how much I love you. My baby girl! I can’t believe that you are a grown woman.” I gave him a soft smile, in hopes of disguising my pain. I said nothing. My intent was to forgive. I love you too daddy.

This post is to commend the fathers who make their children the #1 priority in their lives.

Indonesia. Borneo rain forest. Dyak manand daughter.

Up until the age of 8, I saw my father mostly everyday. Then I lost him to the world. He abused drugs, he abused women, and he abused himself. I became afraid of him. He chose these things over me. He chose women over me. He chose the streets over me. He did this for years and no one talked about it. The anger festered. By the age of 15, I was completely and utterly disgusted by him. He was no longer mine. I had to become a woman without him. I no longer wanted him around. The rotten life he’d chosen stunk. I could smell him coming miles away. I ran from him. I couldn’t stand his presence. It wasn’t so much that I blamed him for anything, it was just, I’d seen him using drugs and it destroyed my image of him. I didn’t know what to say.

I moved away with no send off from my father. I discovered other men. I indulged. I then began to miss him, but I ignored him. He’s always been a loving man. Even through his chaos, he tried to be a part of my life. My heart was ice cold. I could feel him pulling on the strings of my heart. He felt heavy. It took years, but I finally let go of the anger! It wasn’t him that was heavy, he was only a man. Men aren’t perfect. It was me. It was the anger that I was holding onto that was heavy. I had to learn how to shed the burden of judgment. I had to accept his struggle. I have.

Life feels so much better this way. It hasn’t been easy letting go of the anger, but I have and my father has become my friend. He is my protection. He decided that he wanted to be there for me, to stand up for me and he has. The past seems so far away. Thank you daddy for holding my hand.

This post is to commend the fathers who make their children the #1 priority in their lives. In finding my true self, I discovered that the time in which my father was absent most certainly affected my life. It made me weaker in areas where I should have been strong. It made me susceptible to bullshit. It made me think that it was OK to be a rebound. I wanted that male presence. So I compromised. I allowed myself to be treated like a bad habit. I wasn’t the woman that I needed to be. Now, I get to be that. I get to be stronger. I get to blossom into my Queendom. I have forgiven my father, but most importantly, I have forgiven myself. I can finally move forward with LOVE.

I know that it certainly isn’t easy having children. It takes time, commitment, and patience. No child asks to be born. When you become a parent, your needs no longer are the priority. The needs of the child are most important. In the current state of our society, relationships end and children sway in the wind like leaves. Parents pay their child support and see their children sparingly. Don’t let that be your reality. Give your attention and time to your children. Treat them like fixtures in your life. Set your own emotions aside and spend time daily with them. It will pay off. Peace and love to you daddy.

You are my King.

Shila Iris for AfriKan Essence, Thursday, October 16, 2014, 8:56 a.m.

“Affirmation: Today, I will not dwell on the past or the future. I have no need for either, when I step fully into the present. I will no longer hold onto pain until it becomes anger. I will no longer hold onto to pleasure before it becomes an addiction. I will not anticipate pain or pleasure in the future to relieve anxiety. The present is the home of my being. Past and future are only the dreams of whom I was or what I might become. Today, I will release the past and its burden of wounded dreams.

Pulling From the Universe Inside of ME – Nurturing My Cipher

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I was trying to go it alone, but he said, “I want to assist you through this process.” Before I knew it, I was crying. That is the impact a true friend has. It’s not just rhetoric, it’s responsibility. He wanted to hold my hand. He was pure.

***** The seasons will forever change. We all know it. The leaves have fallen off my trees. The ground beneath my feet is hard and cold. My flowers are hiding until the spring, but I can still feel the green, the roots. My foundation is being set. I’ve never felt this powerful in my life! It feels good. My season has changed and I’ve had to spend a lot of time alone. Spending time with myself, with my own thoughts, not being dependent on another has been empowering! Not jumping from affair to affair has been elevating. Having friends and family around who see the greatness in me, has been nourishing. I am not afraid to be alone anymore or to commit to myself anymore. I’m thinking, if you can’t be alone with you, why would other people want to? I don’t want to attract the same type of energy again and again, so I guess it is time to cleanse!

I record my experiences using poetry. When I talk to people about how great it feels to go through things, no matter how painful, when I tell people my story, they are interested! I’ve been encouraged to always be a griot, a storyteller, and to use the magic of my words to nurse my strength. When I write, I can feel the magic. It’s healing. I am a writer who’s finds the most comfort in telling my own story. My journey through the seasons has been tumultuous. I had been holding on to things that were damaging me. I had read many self-help books that I thought would assist in my healing, only to realize that the healing didn’t start until I let go of the thing that was hurting me most. I had to take time out to learn myself and although I have been alone, many people have come to me, and given me hugs, smiles, kisses, and so much love.

This is my thank you LETTER to the wonderful people in my CIPHER. Some of you are miles away, but when I needed you, somehow you sensed it, and you were right here with me. I am forever grateful. May we journey onward through the seasons. Everything is good until it is not! It’s been a long time coming… read (click on the image below to enlarge)

“his excitement in hearing my voice was attractive. it always had been. it felt real. not rehearsed. it felt right.”

the THANK YOU LETTER… you have to adjust your screens to read.

and although, i don’t need to run to people to save me, i’ve realized that there are people who genuinely want to help. No matter how much I refuse, they feel like they have to. It’s quite amazing. I am grateful. this poem was originally published here, on January 29, with other things in mind. It is still relevant in my journey. it is not a love poem. it is a poem to show my regards for those who really CARE about me. and they have proven this time and time again. i can’t believe how wonderful you are. i deserve u. i miss u.

THANK YOU SO MUCH! Thank you friends, lovers, family, companions, artists- everyone who has experienced me! Everyone who rose to my occasion, everyone who was interested in the truth.

You are so true.

i can see the sun shining on me, through you.

i can see it in the words that you write.

the pictures that you take.

the stories that you create.

your style,

your flow.

i needed honesty.

i needed someone to remind me.

and you were that person.

i want to be like you!

Osiris, I am you.

Horus, I am you.

Isis, I am you.

Maat, I am you.

Zarina Asha, I am you.

Imhotep Famj, I am you.

SunRe, I am you.

Kitara, i am you.

Ike Ejiogu, I am you.

You all are the Papyrus of Ani,

and i am reading you thoroughly.

thank you for the warm kisses.

thank you for SHOWING up.

thank you for not giving up on ME,

and not allowing me to give up on myself.

thank you for not humiliating me or lying.

I thank you for never running away,

and for respecting me enough to let me live through the consequences of my bad decisions. i kept a strong face, but I was crying inside. you all never passed judgment… i am running towards you at a fast pace, I need you most.

My opposing viewpoints earned me lifetime lovers. thank you for taking my heart carefully in your hands and stroking it.

through my experiences, I am wiser.

My feet are touching solid ground because of you.

I am most grateful for those who did not wait for the smoke to clear.

they helped me get to safety.

they gave me the tools, the support I needed to save myself.

No looking back. The new is on the horizon.

i am filling myself up again with REAL things!

thank you so much!

to those who did not compare my journey to their own or anyone’s.

they did not look for opportunities to vent,

they listened.

they allowed me to exist in exclusivity.

they allowed me to be in the lime light.

those who just accepted me for who i am.

those who did not share my pain with the world.

or talk about me in circles as if they had any idea what life has been like for me.

you don’t know me at all.

Thank you to all who allow me to tell my own stories.

thank you to those who did not stump on me.

their insecurities did not force me into a corner.

their insecurities did not force me to lie.

their confidence encouraged me to be free,

to be happy, to be merry,

and not to live my life trying to please people who really don’t love me.

they helped me to see that I cannot be controlled.

i am in control of me.

they helped me to not seek revenge,

but to release the things that bound me.

Friend: “Let it go baby!

LET IT GO BABY!”

i was so blind, but now i see.

you listened to my story. you listened to the truth.

asante sana. nakupenda. lala salama.

I am Shila Iris also known as YoU.

Gotta give up it up to the cReAtor, allAh, JEHovah, mAAt, Jah, RastaFARI…

a song for you.

ERYKAH BADU: THE Healer

Monday, October 13, 2014, 2:34 p.m.

I see God in you, Queen

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You were made in the image of me, so I see God in you, Queen. You are beautiful, and I’m stuck like a deer in headlights. What does your soul taste like?

… let it all go.

I lay.

I look.

I kneel.

I share.

hmmmmm.

Why not?

I belong to me.

Just do it.

The sunlight casting shadows. I need more herb.

Amazingly beautiful. That’s what he said.

Peaceful. Water does that to me.

Her neckline. Her tattoo.

My lips.

Imperfect perfections.

Let me remind you. You lose.

When I’m happy, I have hips. My style.

My interest.

Necessary accessories.

I feel like the 90s, sometimes.

… of your honey.

Interesting.

I’d be like this…

Regal.

Punk.

Young and free.

I get funky.

I squat in corners to catch my breath.

Personality.

I love color.

Angles. Angels.

He never judges me for this.

Mature.

I’m cleansing.

Sometimes, I throw my arms back and chill. You should come closer.

aSs.

Risky business.

Tattoo the experiences of your soul.

.. set yourself free.

Almost a silhouette. But it isn’t. That’s the beauty of it.

Treat yourself as the person you want to be, and you will become that. I want to be free. Pictures courtesy of Bella Kinks.

Music and a book.

SZA!

Dear God make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far away

Call your phone on a late night
I recall your soul and it taste like
Gardens, flowers, Warm Winds
Quit clipping on your feet
Quit clipping on your wings
Sometimes we hate to leave somebody
Whats happening to we?
Warm winds on a space ride
Sometimes, I call your name out loud
Just to make sure it’s you
Sometimes, I crack my veins so bad
Just to see if it’s blue
You clean me up

Sometimes I bite my lips and close my eyes Just to pretend it’s you

Long live, lonely thoughts on Thursday nights

That’s when I think of you

We were all thirteen once
Long live tramp stamps and Pepper Ann
You will never judge me for that
You will always love me for that

Thank you for being here with me. Chase your soul through the gardens, flowers, and warm winds. “Sometimes I bite my lips and close my eyes, thinking of you.” Remember good things. Let’s not hide from the truth. Say what you want. Do what you please. And when it is necessary, leave. It’s all good. -Shila Iris

Style Ideas for Queens – Transitioning from 80 Degree to 60 Degree Weather

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It is September 11 in Cleveland, Ohio. That means it could snow any minute! Joking, but it was one of those days that reminded us that Autumn is a few weeks away. Yesterday, the weather was in the 80s. Last night there was a very soothing storm, and when we woke up, it was 63 degrees! It is cool… cool as in cold! I wasn’t quite ready to give up my sandals, so I wore some today. However, that may not be the case tomorrow! I am thinking, boots or sneakers for sure.

The sandals are one of my favorite pairs by Lucky Brand. They were about $25 at TJMaxx.

I made the ring from wire from Pat Catan’s or JoAnn’s.

I love basic black headwraps!

The shawl was on sale at Dillard’d for $10.

These earrings are from a store called Earthbound (in the mall). They were on sale for $4. Nice.

The dress is one of my thrift store finds- from the Goodwill for $5

Hello, I am Shila.

With style, you must possess the knowledge, right? Reading anything lately? I had a dream last night about my future, and when I woke up, I asked for a sign. A sign that I was doing the right thing in life. That detaching from people who hurt me was the thing to do. Then today, a friend of mine called and suggested that I read this book, so I rushed to the library and got it. It is just what I needed. It is an amazing story. I can’t put it down. I introduce to you: Wounded in the House of a Friend by Sonia Sanchez…

It starts like this…

the unspoken word is born, i see it in our eyes dancing.

She hadn’t found anything. i had been careful. No lipstick, No matches from a well-known bar. No letters. Cards. Confessing an undying love. Nothing tangible for her to hold onto. But i knew she knew. It had been on her face, in her eyes for the last nine days. It was the way she looked at me sideways from across the restaurant table as she picked at her brown rice sushi. It was the way she paused in profile while inspecting my wolfdreams. It was the way her mouth took a detour from talk. And then as we exited the restaurant she said it casually: i know there is another woman. You must tell me about her when we get home.

Yeah. There was another woman. In fact there were three women. In Florida, California, and North Carolina. Places to replace her cool detachment of these last years. No sex for months. Always tired or sick or off to some conference designed to save the world from racism or extinction. If i had jerked off one more time in bed while lying next to her it woulda dropped off. Still i wondered how she knew.

… I love Sonia Sanchez’s writing and I am glad that I got to see her in November of last year. She was cool as can be. She had style, she had grace. I made eye contact with her, and she smiled at me. Just for a moment. I spoke to her. She spoke to me. I walked away.

Queen

P.S. One more thing, a song for you…

This my baby. I want to be great as you. Analog girl in a digital world.

Meditating in the Music – Falling in Love with SZA

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Music is so much a part of my life. The messages resonate deep in my soul… and when I am searching, it helps. So, a few weeks ago, I was introduced to SZA. Then I got to see her perform and she blew my mind! She told me to: “go to church if you scared…”

and I said…

My playlist consists of 2 songs today.

1. Every word in this song instigates something inside of me. I can feel it, twisting and turning in my gut.

2. This right here, you gotta get ready for it! … SZA is so live!

This is SZA. She is so beautiful, inside and out.

Have you ever felt like you were in a noisy place, yet somehow your mind maintained it’s silence? SILENCE IN A NOISY PLACE? Thank you for your time. god’s bless me. Peace.

Shila Iris aka Queen

Dress Like a Queen

Posted on August 31, 2014 by Shila Iris

Vintage earring for like $3 from the thrift store.

Found this necklace for $5.

My large ankh ring.

I ended up wearing the flat shoes.

Hope you like! Peace and Love.

Shila Iris aka Queen

What I’m reading…

Wardrobe Ideas for Queens

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I love this shirt. It was only $2 from a thrift store.

My leather bracelets and rings are from City Buddha in Cleveland Heights, Ohio

I got this belt from The Body Shop for $10. I wear it all the time. I love it!

The Black Headwrap is my thing.

I made these earrings. One of favorite pairs.

Found this necklace for a $1. What a steal.

I love the colors in this shirt.

My black skinny jeans are my favorite 🙂

These shoes are about 5 years old. They are by Guess from TJMaxx.

I am Shila Iris, who are you?

Smile. Check out my other posts.

Peace and love.

My Experience at AfroPunk was so Amazing!

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Me at AfroPunk

This year, the AfroPunk Festival in Brooklyn, New York was amazing! I had been wanting to go for 2 years, but once again I almost flaked out and stayed home. However, some wonderful ladies pushed me to go. I got my small amount of disposable income together and went for it! I am so glad that I did. I would estimate that over the course of 2 days, August 23 and 24, at least 50,000 people got to experience the funk of AfroPunk!

The 10 Major Cool Things About AfroPunk…

1. The beautiful Afrikans! -Gazing into the crowd, we looked so good ya’ll! Go Brown people! Everyone was fly! The Diaspora was well represented.

2. The Music- Oh my! LiAnn La Havas, D’Angelo, SZA, Me’Shell Ndegeocello, Shabazz Palaces, and The Internet were among my favorite.

3. The Vendors- Handmade goods galore! We are so talented! These were the best vendors that I have seen at a festival, ever!

4. The Free Things- they were giving away some very valuable merchandise. No contest, just walk up. Lovely.

5. The Good Vibrations and Energy of the Crowd- Everyone was so welcoming and full of love! “I got the vibrations to change the nation, lick shots in the air, crowd participation!”

6. The Photographers- AfroPunk is well documented.

7. The Artists- There were so many expressionists and bold people who were just rocking eccentric styles! I appreciated the confidence. Keep ya head up!

8. The Bonding Experience of Going with People- Although the ladies I went with only recently joined my Universe, they were great to experience AfroPunk with. We were on the same frequency.

9. What AfroPunk represents and the AfroPunk Official Merchandise. Everything sold out. This festival represents so much positivity.

10. The Appreciation- The people who organize AfroPunk are so appreciative of the participants. They walked around and mingled. So wonderful. They send out nice emails to thank you for attending:

THANK YOU
There are few words that can express the amount of gratitude that we have for the AFROPUNK community. People who consciously make an effort to join us year after year at the festival and online, supporters from around the block and around the world that come together for two days to celebrate culture and freedom with us. For that and more, thank you! See you next year!

Shila Iris for AfrikanEssence… I like saying AfroPunk… smile. Lol.

Reasons Why I Want to Go to AfroPunk Fest 2014

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I love the wonderful, artistic, and eccentric expressions from the tribe we call African Americans, Afrikans, or the colorful people of the Diaspora! The beautiful and poetic faces. The funky and stylish kindred spirits.

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AfroPunk tends to attract the fearless ONES. Those who travel on that untouchable frequency. They levitate. The vibe is heavy. Who wants to go and check out “the other” Black experience? Here’s the website. Dates: August 23-24, 2014. BK, NY.

The type of music that you could hear at an AfroPunk Fest.

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Peace and love,

Shila Iris aka Queen, July 28, 2014, 12:53 a.m.

Juneteenth is Indepedence Day for Many

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As we approach the Fourth of July, don’t forget to explore the meaning of Juneteenth.

Kush Queen for African Essence

Ancient Dreams & Tantric Wisdom… the show

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COME CHECK out the band, Intercourse the Collective, this FRIDAY, JUNE 13 AT LIL’ AFRICA AKA THE KITCHEN located at 6816 Superior Avenue, Cleveland, Ohio 44103.

INTERCOURSE THE COLLECTIVE

This show will feature myself and my wonderful playmates- vocalist: RaShimba WildBloom, Drummer: Ali Boyd, Keyboard Player: Egan Ammerman, and the Digital Griot: jAfterDark. We will be doing a special tribute to the late Rayshawn Armstrong who was a well-known Cleveland poet and community driven activist. Thank you to poet, Bianca Michelle and artist, Latoya Kent for their participation in this show. Peace and love! See you there.

shila iris aka Queen

Spring Style Ideas

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Are you having trouble coming up with style combinations? Try these looks. Depending upon the weather, you may or may not need to add a jacket or more layers to keep warm.

Shila Iris for African Essence

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Late Nights and Heavy Hearts – The Playlist

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1. Otis Redding: Try a Little Tenderness

“WHEN SHE GETS WEARY, TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS, I KNOW SHE’S WAITING, JUST ANTICIPATING, FOR THINGS THAT SHE WILL NEVER POSSESS. BUT WHILE SHE’S THERE WAITING, TRY JUST A LITTLE BIT OF TENDERNESS. THAT’S ALL YOU GOT TO DO. NOW IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT SENTIMENTAL, NO, NO, NO, BUT SHE HAS HER GRIEVES AND CARES. BUT THE SOFT WORDS, THEY ARE SPOKE SO GENTLE AND IT MAKES IT EASIER TO BEAR,,, YOUNG GIRLS, THEY DON’T FORGET IT.”

2. Max Roach Quartet featuring Abbey Lincoln: Freedom Day

RIGHT AT 2:34 MY HEART SCREAMED FOR THE STRINGS! I FOUND MY FREEDOM IN THIS WONDERFUL MELODY. “SLAVE NO LONGER, THIS IS FREEDOM DAY!”

3. Abbey Lincoln: Brother Where Are You?

AND BECAUSE ABBEY IS SUCH A GREAT STORYTELLER AND GRIOT, I JUST HAD TO HEAR ONE MORE BEFORE I WENT INTO MY SLUMBER. “IT SEEMS THERE ARE VERY FEW, WHO WILL ANSWER OUR BROTHER’S CALL. BROTHER WHERE ARE YOU, THEY TOLD ME THAT YOU CAME THIS WAY.”

4. Isley Brothers: Prelude to Harvest for the World

GROWING UP, MY MOTHER PLAYED THIS RECORD MANY MANY NIGHTS. SHE HAD A BEAUTIFUL AND SOULFUL VOICE. WHEN SHE SANG IT, I FELT EVERY WORD. TONIGHT I WAS THINKING OF HER, AND I HEARD HER SINGING THIS IN MY HEAD. “GATHER EVERY MAN. GATHER EVERY WOMAN. CELEBRATE, CELEBRATE YOUR LIVES! GIVE THANKS FOR YOUR CHILDREN. WHEN WILL THERE BE, A HARVEST FOR THE PEOPLE? WHEN WILL THERE BE, A HARVEST FOR THE WORLD?”

5. Sade: Feel No Pain (She is a beautiful woman and I love her music)

SO, I WAS THINKING OF MY FATHER AND BROTHERS AS WELL, AND THIS REMINDED OF THEM. “HELP THEM TO STRIVE, HELP THEM TO MOVE ON. HELP THEM TO HAVE SOME FUTURE, HELP THEM TO LIVE LONG. HELP THEM TO LIVE LIFE. HELP THEM TO SMILE. DON’T LET THEM STAY HOME AND LISTEN TO THE BLUES… DON’T LET THEM LOSE, WE GOTTA GIVE THEM A CHANCE. IT’S GONNA COME BACK ON EVERY ONE, IF YOU DON’T MAKE THEM DANCE. DON’T LET THEM STAY HOME AND LISTEN TO THE BLUES… ONE DAY, WE’RE GOING TO WAKE UP.WITH GHETTOS ALL AROUND. ALL OVER, MY FRIEND. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MAN BREAK DOWN?”

6. Michael Jackson: In the Closet

I WAS HAVING MIXED EMOTIONS, SO I HAD TO LEAVE OFF WITH THIS. THE UP AND DOWN ROLLER COASTER RIDE I N THIS SONG, RELAXES ME. THE SOFT FEMININE SPEAKING AND THEN THE SMOOTH RAUNCHINESS OF MICHAEL, I LOVE IT! CAUSE… “THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT YOU, BABY, THAT MAKES ME WANT TO GIVE IT TO YOU. JUST PROMISE ME THAT WHATEVER WE SAY OR DO TO ONE ANOTHER, FOR NOW, WE’LL MAKE A VOW TO, KEEP IT IN THE CLOSET!”